Is it horrible...

That on Monday I go back to work & I'm actually really excited to not be around the baby 24/7? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love her to death & love spending time with her, but motherhood has been much rougher on me than I ever expected. I wrote once right before she was born that I was not scared of giving birth, but I was a little scared of raising a child, being completely responsible for another human being's well being, happiness, learning, everything. I wrote that although I have experience with babies & children, that I thought it would be much different with my own child - kinda like I think I know, but I have no idea. Well, I was absolutely right. And it's been rough on me. I guess I need to really come to terms with the fact that my life has forever been changed. I can't pick up & do what I want, when I want to. If I need to run an errand, go to the doctor, have lunch or a drink with a friend, etc. I have to pre-arrange it with my husband, or if he's not home, then I have to just pray that the time my appointments are fit into her sleeping/eating schedule. I feel like I knew all of this before I had a baby, but the reality doesn't hit you until the baby is here & you face these things.

And my hubby & I rarely have a spare moment alone to just re-group & re-connect with each other. I love seeing him with our daughter, but I miss how much alone time we used to have with each other. I feel like our relationship has lost some of it's intimacy & it makes me sad. I think I took so much for granted & I am just now starting to realize how carefree our lives were. I know we will get back on track once she's a little older, but I just hate that I have to wait for that. Again, don't take this to say that I am upset we had a baby - we both love her so much, but I am just expressing how having her has been such a huge, life-changing experience for me. I always feel like I am second-guessing the decisions I make as a mom - from creating a schedule for her, to sleep training, etc. I have come to realize though, that I need to stop dwelling on what worked for my friends & family members' kids & focus on what will work for my child & our lifestyle. And stick to it. And don't cave in when the going gets tough...because it does & will.

She got her first cold this past Monday & I think that added to my stress level. When infants are sick, they are so pitiful & fussy. And she could hardly breath because of all the mucous in her nose & throat/cough, so it made it tough for her to sleep. Thankfully, she's getting better...wooo! And I am SO happy because I hate seeing her uncomfortable. Fortunately, my older sister will be nanny'ing {I realize that is not a word, lol} for us, so my anxiety about leaving Baby AJ while I go to work is much less than it would be if I were leaving her at a center or home-based daycare. Thank God that my sister is able to do this for us - she is such a blessing & Amaya is so lucky because her auntie LOVES her! She has a toddler, so I am a little nervous about whether she'll be able to keep Amaya on the EASY {Eat, Activity, Sleep, You Time} schedule that I have tried to get her on. More on that lata.

Anyways, sorry for such a long, serious post, but I just thought I'd be real for a second. I feel like no one really talks much about the hard part of parenting. Yes, there is a lot of joy & happiness, but it's also a HUGE period of adjustment to your new life & reality. I know & have faith that it'll get easier, or at least I'll become more accustomed to it, & I will adjust to my new "normal". Now that I will be back at work, I'll be able to blog more often & bring you guys more updates about our 2011 home projects & of course, little Amaya!  'Till next time...